At its best, consent is an ongoing collaboration between two or more people in constant verbal, physical, and emotional dialogue about what each other needs to willingly, safely, and pleasurably engage in an interaction with one another.

For our purposes, we think that gold-standard consent should consist of the following elements:

• Affirmative

  There is clearly expressed agreement to participate in an activity. We're looking for the presence of a yes, not the absence of a no. 

• Competent

  All parties have the unfettered ability, knowledge, judgment, or skill to have a sexual interaction.

• Informed

  All parties are able to decide whether to participate in an activity based on a shared understanding of risk factors, risk tolerances, and other relevant facts. At a minimum, Bonobos should proactively disclose STI risk factors and intoxication where appropriate. Click here to learn how to have a safer sex conversation.

• Unpressured

  A "no" should be immediately accepted without undue persuasion, influence, or intimidation to encourage someone to do something they've expressed hesitation about doing. Any coercive tactics (e.g., threats, leveraging a power relationship) or pressure (e.g., making someone responsible for your disappointment, continuing to ask for something after a boundary is stated, or emotional manipulation) are expressly forbidden.

• Specific

  All parties are clear about what they are doing together and the boundaries of proposed activities. Where there is a lack of specificity, participants act with heightened caution and attunement.

• Ongoing

  Consent must be given throughout the interaction, and it can be revoked at any time. If consent is revoked, play must stop immediately. Partners should check in frequently, and especially when anything changes about the interaction (e.g., introduction of new people, activities, or levels of intensity.)

This framework, borrowed from San Francisco Sex Information, takes consent out of a simple binary model. In allowing us to judge the consensuality of any interaction qualitatively (as opposed to "It's there or it isn't"), we are thus invited to constantly strive for higher quality consent.

In addition, we follow these guidelines in order to best take care of one another: 

• Use your words. Ask for consent. Ask for consent. Ask for consent.

• Give space for an answer after making an invitation. 

• If there's no clear yes, treat it as a no. If your invitation is met with anything other than a clear yes, don't move forward. Instead, get curious about what might be going on for the person.

• Say no clearly. Your boundaries are celebrated in this community! Expressing them clearly doesn't hinder connection, it helps it. Marcia Baczynski offers 12 ways to say no gracefully without saying, "Maybe later."

• Respond gracefully to people's boundaries. We must all participate in creating a culture that celebrates people's boundaries. In Bonobo Network, the appropriate response to a "No" is, "Thank you for taking care of yourself." Check out other ways to respond gracefully to someone's boundary.

• Keep it informed. Discuss safer sex risks and any substance use before sexual play. If there are other things you need to know before playing with someone, don't assume they will tell you -- ask first.

• If they give an inch, don't take a mile. Consent to engage in one level of intimacy (e.g., nonsexual touch) does not automatically give you consent to advance the level of intimacy.

• Avoid inadvertent pressure. If someone says "not right now" or "maybe later" twice, assume that they meant no and don't ask them again. Be sensitive to all the different ways, verbal and non-verbal, that someone might be communicating "no" to you.

• Check in frequently. "Are you enjoying yourself?" "Do you like it when I ___?" "Do you want it softer/harder/faster/slower/gently/etc?" All of these are ways to elicit feedback to be sure that your partner is still consenting to what's happening, plus it gives you useful information about your play together. Check out Marcia Baczynski’s blog for alternatives to asking "Is This OK?"

In Bonobo we’re clear that consent isn’t a mere speed bump that slows down getting what you want. Considering whether an interaction is consensual is the first priority.

Consent requires seeing other people as fully autonomous beings with a right to decide what they want to do with their bodies. It requires deep curiosity about what they want out of an interaction with you. And it requires discipline to avoid assuming that because you want something, the other person(s) you’re interacting with wants the same thing.